"Guaranteed Fresh Until Printed Date"
So I looked on the bottom of the box and -- Oh no! The date IS printed!

Speed Bump 5 Mph
I sat and watched it for 15 minutes... It never even moved.

I just found out I've been making microwave popcorn wrong all these years. I've been laying the bag on it's bottom, but after checking the directions, I see it clearly says to "Heat This" bag with the "Side Down". "Heat This Side Down". What else could it mean? How am I going to stand the stupid bag on it's side?

The Discovery store in the mall has a "Walnut Photo Storage Box" for $29.99.
I don't need to explain this, do I? It must be a storage box where you store all your photos of... Never mind. Well, maybe if chipmunks had cameras.

There's a sign on the coffee maker at work that says "POUR IN WATER ONLY". Oh, Crap! We're in an AIR environment! Is it gonna work okay?

My wife was complimenting me. Maybe.
She said, "You have a head on your shoulders. You think."

Type A personality. Taipei...  That explains it!

Peter Shields Elementary School.
No, they don't have a football team called the Trojans.

I was at the state fair and saw a booth for a chiropractor. It had a large sign that said "Free Computer Analysis". I was tempted to go home and bring them my old Pentium II that I think has a bad motherboard.

Again at the state fair, someone was selling wood finish restorer. The big sign said "RESTORZ-IT NO STRIPPING". I guess they mean you don't have to take off your clothes to stop them from getting ruined by the chemicals.

Full service travel agency
That must be what they used to send our entire Army to Iraq

License plate frame on the Buick ahead of me: "Have you tried Jesus?"
No.... Wasn't he found guilty?

Phillip-Morris TV add: Cigarette smokers are more likely to develop cancer than non smokers.
I dunno... My dad died of lung cancer and my brothers and I don't smoke so... he developed BOTH cancer AND non smokers.

"Is this chair saved?"
No, it's going straight to hell.

"Subject to flooding" (Sign on the road)
I'll try, but I'm better at plagues and locusts.

"Refuse disposal site"
Too late, they built it there anyway.

Sign at a Jack in the Box restaurant: "Substitute orange juice .19"
I guess real juice cost more

WATCH HEAD
Sign on a low beam at a Calistoga wine shop. Would that be the crown?

Sign on a bus: Powered by clean natural gas.
... Is there a dirty natural gas?

Permit Parking Only
Can I park cars there?

The instructions on the Shell gas pump said "Select Grade Above". What if I wanted "Premium"? What's the grade above that?

Magnetic Wreath Hanger (sold at Home Depot)
Darn. Mine is made of pine boughs. Non-magnetic.

6" Closet Light (sold at Target)
What are you going to fit in a 6" closet?

Black & Decker makes an "Electronic Pest Repeller"... But it's ineffective against cell phones.

I heard on an NPR news report that Governor Swarzenegger is more popular in Sacramento than the rest of the state. I guess Sacramentans have a low opinion of Fresno, Bakersfield, and Hayward.

The drug manufacturer Merck ran ads about a progam that offered a discount on Merck drugs regardless of age. Sure, but I'm willing to pay full price to be sure of getting the younger, fresher drugs.

NPR news told me the air was "unhealthy for sensitive groups". I hope those PETA protestors puke.